


Her Kindred Spirit

by SnowyWhisper



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon
Genre: Character Study, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:54:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25132729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnowyWhisper/pseuds/SnowyWhisper
Summary: Ami's life before her awakening as a senshi, her mental struggles/ After her awakening, her bond with one special friend. Trigger warning: anxiety, depression
Relationships: Kino Makoto/Mizuno Ami
Comments: 10
Kudos: 32





	Her Kindred Spirit

_Then_

Back then, Ami Mizuno had been sure that she would never be good enough.

Her teachers would disagree. For them, she was too perfect to be true, an idol for all Japanese school girls. She would smile sweetly and lower her head, slightly embarassed, whenever praised for her extremely neat studying habits and symmetrically perfect grades. 100, 99, 100.

Also back then, she had been withering inside.

Her home life was suffocating. She barely saw the face of her mother, and when she did, she would question her about the cram school or mock exams, and not even bother with anything else. What else was important, anyway? Her father had been absent all her life and she did not even know if he was alive still, she could not make friends because she had no social skills, and she did not even feel a slightest romantic feeling towards anybody.

On rainy days, her house felt especially lonely. She dreaded these autumn evenings, with the mock exams getting closer, she would spend hours with her books at her desk, and sometimes she would disconnect, her body would feel mechanical. She would feel something stuck on her throat. She loved to study. That was not a problem. But what was that yearning, the feeling that something was missing, something so significant and essential to her being?

Who was Ami Mizuno really?

For the teachers, she was a model citizen. For the other students, a snobby rich girl who finds herself too smart to mingle with them. For her mother, not ever good enough. And father… was she even _anything_ for him?

On nights like that, her introspecting mind would wander and wander, leaving her with anxiety and confusion, what were these feelings anyway? Once in a while, she would glance at the pale moon from her window, and her throat would ache again, as if wanting to say something, but she would not find the words.

One day she woke up, and could not get out of bed.

It was so illogical that it made her confused. She was not feeling ill, not at all. It was a Monday, and just like every other week in her life, it would be a busy week. She had to get up, wash her face, get dressed, have breakfast…

Even thinking about all that, she felt like she could not breathe.

_What is the point?_

As if paralized, she stayed in bed. Her mind was boiling, but she felt like a stone. She could hear the clock ticking, and it made her heart beat faster. With every passing second, she was getting _late._

She usually had nightmares about getting late. But this morning she could not care. As if she had been washed inside overnight, and the imperfect little pieces that made this girl, Ami, who she was, decided to melt away. She had no idea how to deal with this. She just hugged her pillow and listened to the noise of her pounding heartbeat.

Her mother did not take it well that her daughter was diagnosed with depression.

“Why don’t you try making some friends?” She casually said over breakfast, but Ami could hear the disappointment beneath her calm tone. _Why don’t you try being normal?_

“I just can’t connect with people easily.” Ami replied, staring at her cereal that she would probably not eat. She reached for the coffee pot instead. She heard her mother mutter something, and she did not bother to ask what she was saying.

Despite being mentally and emotionally exhausted, she still pushed through exams and cram school, and thought that maybe she was a tough girl after all, she would not crack under pressure, but what about those nights? The nights when she closed her eyes she saw numbers and numbers, and even dreaming would not disconnect her from her mental exhaustions?

If she was a mechanical creature, made up of a perfect brain and not so perfect heart, could dying hurt?

Once the thought appeared, she was horrified. At least, she could be horrified. She was human after all.

Ami held on. For six long months, some force kept her going. Despite being utterly lonely and left with a rigid, self torturing mind, she existed.

She only started living when she transformed for the first time.

_Now_

Makoto’s apartment got more and more lovely each time Ami visited her. She truly had a sense of delicate, feminine style. She had so many flowers already, but Ami had just felt like buying these pale pink roses for her.

Seeing how excited Mako got over the flowers, she was glad that she decided to come over for tea.

“Ahh, that shade of pink is my favorite!” The tall brunette was practically beaming. Ami thought how adorable it was that someone would get excited for flowers, for beauty.

It was hidden in those small details, that the colors of the soul were shown.

Not too long ago, Ami’s world consisted of numbers and greyness, a cloud of mental noise and anxiety. When she was awakened as a senshi, she started to see the colors of the world, and realized that Ami, herself, was not so imperfect after all, she belonged in a group of five in an eternal bond.

She loved them. It was not the mystical powers that awakened inside her that had saved her from soul sucking depression. It was finding the place she belonged. It was to love, and being loved.

She loved Makoto most of all.

Something felt right when they were together, and Ami knew that she found her medicine. This girl looked and acted so differently than her, but why did she feel so close? She felt good near all of her friends, but she felt especially happy with Makoto.

“I just thought about you when I saw them.” Ami said to the girl who was pouring tea, and getting ready to turn off the oven to bring out the cookies she had baked.

That day, Ami told her about the period of her life before she met the other senshi. It was the first time she brought that up, and she had always known that if one day she would tell someone, it would be Mako.

“Ami…” Makoto got teary eyed, listening to her friend confessing she once, almost considered suicide.

She hugged her, saying it was okay.

“ It is incredible, how similar we are.” Makoto whispered, and Ami was confused, but she did not ask. Surely she would tell, if she wanted to tell.

It was such a comforting feeling, how stable she felt, and the trust she had for her friend. She once feared she would never connect with anyone. No human being would get along with a broken machine. That used to be her idea.

Sitting with her friend’s aparment on that rainy night, Ami is glad she lived long enough to find herself. Long enough to find her kindred spirits, and her dearest friend.

She is glad that she lived those darkest hours, for after that she could see the dawn.


End file.
